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# This is loosely based on a true story, with all names changed and anonymised. This first chapter is of the first moment I realised that I liked guys.
There was a hammering at my door, followed by a voice yelling “Jake, we’re thinking of heading out to Wire, wanna come?”
I yawned, shaking my head to clear the cobwebs, “Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute, where are we pre-drinking, yours or mine?”
I’d been dozing, thinking that there was nothing fun to do that night so I might as well get an early night’s sleep so I that I might actually turn up for a 9am lecture just once in my University career.
“Mine, the speakers are better and we both know it’ll take the girls ages to get ready” came Matt’s reply.
I gave a mumbled reply and stumbled out of my bed, heading towards the shower. I was lucky really, my University’s halls had been modernised a few years before I started and almost all of the bedrooms were single-occupancy with an en-suite bathroom. First year so far had been a bit of a whirlwind of alcohol and impromptu parties, with a bare minimum of actual studying. Thank god first year doesn’t count, I thought. Despite this, I’d had a fairly lonely time. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat separate from most of my friends, who spent the majority of our drunken nights looking for girls to dance with and hopefully bring home to our small single-bed rooms. I’d only really made one strong friend, Matt, who I didn’t get to see all that much during the daytime since he’d shacked up with the extremely attractive girl next door. They spent so much time together in bed that I swear to god the only times they surfaced for air were for food or to organise a night out. At this rate, Matt would be fairly lucky to pass the year with the number of lectures he was missing.
I found my way into Matt’s room about 20 minutes later, freshly showered. He was lounging there, his hair still wet but drying quickly into that annoyingly perfect messy look that I couldn’t achieve even with half an hour and plenty of wax. Matt was one of the few people I’d met who was taller than me, standing about six feet four inches and without an ounce of fat. If he hadn’t been so well built, his height would have made him look lanky, instead it made him look like he’d been the inspiration for a Michelangelo sculpture. His eyes were a blue-grey colour that threatened to suck you in if you held eye contact with him for more than a fraction of a second, and his strong jawline was accentuated by that perfect five o’clock shadow that some people get. There was absolutely no question of how he’d managed to get the most attractive girl in the building into his bed, and, judging by the amount of noise she made most nights, casino oyna he had the skills to keep her there. I felt my eyes drift down to where his shirt had hitched up slightly, revealing the trail of curled black hair reaching down below his waistline and the taut muscles of a guy who worked out most days…
“Hmm?” I mumble, before startling myself out of my reverie, “sorry, what?”
“I was asking whether you wanted any of my rum? You seemed totally out of the room there for a minute mate, you okay?”
“Yeah man, sorry, just wondering what I’m gonna do about Harriet, err I’ll take you up on that rum though” He grinned at me and grabbed a glass. Whilst he was pouring the drink I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at the last messages I’d received from Harriet. I really was going to have to do something about that eventually. Harriet was a girl in my flat who kept trying to sleep with me, most of the guys were amazed that I’d said no for so long given how hot she was. My excuse was that she only wanted me because I’d been there for her when she went through her breakup with her last boyfriend, and that I didn’t want to take advantage of her. It was kind of true, but she also intimidated me a bit. I’d had girlfriends before, and whilst I fancied myself as being fairly competent in bed, Harriet was a self-proclaimed nymphomaniac, and I wasn’t sure I was all that attracted to how domineering she seemed to be.
Matt and I spent the next hour and a half chatting about nothing in particular, listening to music and getting reasonably drunk. By the time the rest of our friends started to filter into the room, I was feeling much better about the whole thing. I wouldn’t sleep with Harriet, I’d stop overthinking everything, and I’d enjoy the night out. Who knows, maybe I would even get lucky and come home with somebody nice?
When the last of the girls arrived (how people can take that long to put on a dress and some make up is beyond me) we called the taxis and set off towards the club. Wire was one of the dingier clubs in town, but it had big dancefloors and pretty good music which meant it generally filled up quickly and always had a good atmosphere. As per usual, within minutes of getting past the bouncers and into the club, we lost everyone. Matt and I looked at each other, and shrugged. Laughing he gestured towards the bar, and I followed willingly. We’d finished off the bottle of rum back at the flat, but I was never going to say no to more.
Once we caught up with the rest of the group, we all settled in for a fun night. The music seemed to be better than usual, and we were all dancing. After a while I caught the eye of a girl in a nearby group and she came canlı casino up behind me, grabbed my hips with her hand and started dancing in time to the music. Taking the hint, I span around and pulled her close, grinding against her. Her sequined dress clung tight to her body and her body clung tight to mine. Just as I leaned in for a kiss though, her friend came over and physically inserted himself between us, dragging her away. I set off to follow her, but Kerryn, Matt’s girlfriend, just grabbed my arm and shook her head, no.
I sighed internally, these kinds of things never really happened to me. Whenever I was close to getting somewhere with someone it always went wrong somehow. A drink would be spilled on them, her friends would intervene, or I’d just get bored and move on. Not that I really minded, in some ways I always felt like I was going through the motions, like it was expected of me to try and pick up girls in the club so that’s what I’d do.
I found my eyes returning to Matt, who was dancing away in a happy world of his own, seemingly unconcerned with anything going on. His biceps made filled his shirt out, and he had those veins which stand out tracing down his forearm. The bastard had the good fortune to not just be built like a Greek god, but also to have a kind of unconscious grace in his movements, holding to a beat that was entirely his own but was fairly enthralling to look at. Another guy in the group leaned over and said something to him, and he laughed, his infectious grin covering his face. He glanced at me and grabbed my arm, pulling me back into the circle of our friends marking out our own little space on the dancefloor. For the next ten minutes or so we danced together as one group, happily making our own fun. It took me a moment to realise that Matt’s arm hadn’t actually left my waist, and only a fraction of a second longer to decide I was okay with it.
The circle of friends didn’t last very long, as some of the guys peeled off to chase after girls on the rest of the dancefloor and some of the girls went in their little pack to the toilets. Pretty soon it was just Matt and I dancing together, with only a few of our other friends nearby. Matt was dancing almost uncomfortably close, I could see the way his shirt clung to his abs and feel the heat radiating off his body. He grabbed my waist with both hands, and I swear to God I’ve never felt so secure in my life. It was like a personal bodyguard had taken hold of me. I don’t know whether it was his intoxicating smell, or the intoxicating liquor, but I wrapped both of my arms around his back without even thinking about it.
The rest of the world seemed to fade away, the crowds seemed to vanish. I was dancing on an kaçak casino empty dancefloor with my best friend pressed close to me, lightly grinding my crotch against his, more turned on than I’d ever been. I’m sure he could feel my cock straining against the fabric of my jeans, I could certainly feel the heat from his crotch and the firmness beneath those scant few layers of cloth. He looked into my eyes, and I was captivated, they seemed to stare into my soul and see everything laid bare. I licked my lips unconsciously, ever so slightly pursing them creating just a tiny gap. He tilted his head slightly and leaned in, and I melted. Whatever resistance I might have had to this new sensation melted away instantly, and I was taken by the kiss. It was completely different to every woman I’d ever kissed before, there was no softness, no pliability. His lips conveyed strength, power, passion and security, and they moved with a deliberateness that I’d never felt before. His tongue lightly pressed at the opening to my mouth and I surrendered access without a thought, letting this intruder roam into me. Hesitantly I extended my own tongue, running it lightly across the back of his front teeth, exploring his mouth.
I could feel him grip me tighter, pulling me deeper into the kiss, and his hands roamed down my back and grabbed my ass. He squeezed and somehow pulled me even tighter into his chest as my hands took his cue and explored the back of his shirt, ranging down to his firm butt which I grabbed and squeezed. The kiss began to heat up, building in passion and intensity as he grabbed the back of my head with one hand and moved his tongue and lips with increasing urgency.
Finally, we began to run out of air, the kiss slowed down until, after one last deep moment, we broke apart. The empty dancefloor was suddenly filled with people again, the music was back and loud, though the song had changed. Around us a sort of circle had formed, with our friends just staring slack-jawed at Matt and me. Finally, Nathan opened his mouth, “Matt, when I dared you to play gay chicken with him… one of you was supposed to, you know, play chicken?”
Matt grinned at him, “Hey, no harm no foul, right? We’re both straight, it’s just neither of us wanted to lose.”
He winked at me and slapped me on the ass before heading off to the bar in search of a drink and his girlfriend. I was a little dumbfounded by the whole experience, I’d never considered that I might not be entirely straight before, but that had been the best goddamn kiss I’d ever had. My head was swimming with the memories of what had just happened, and suddenly my brain decided to serve up every little detail of Matt’s body to me in glorious detail. I might not have been aware of it, but apparently my brain had been paying attention to Matt’s body for ages.
I excused myself from the group, and headed towards the bar. I needed a drink, and I needed to talk to Matt. Now.